In My Own Head

The transition back to school is always exhausting. By 4:00 pm the first day my legs ached and I couldn't get to bed fasts enough that night. Thankfully our bodies are made for adjustments and I fairly quickly pass through the physical exhaustion stage of the back to school adjustment. 

But the mental adjustment? It's. The. Worst. 

Sometimes referred to as "the mental work load", all the thoughts swirling in my head have the potential to drive me ... Well, out of my mind. 

There are suddenly (I mean, I knew it was coming ... But still...) 18 billion things I need to remember. Just today I was finishing up lesson plans. Lesson planning always comes with mental notes of how I can modify things for students who will struggle ... And trying to anticipate what the struggles could be for students I barely know at this point in the year. Since these lesson plans are for week 4 (to keep up with our "plan 2 weeks ahead" rule) I also needed to review (and hold in my head) lesson plans for this coming week (week 2). During this review I realized Id neglected to read something I need to for tomorrow night's meeting, so I printed it (because I'm tired of my computer screen). 

While it's printing I started a load of laundry so everyone would have clean clothes ... And since now Raina would have the pair of shorts she wanted to wear, I was able to lay out the girls clothes for the week. Meanwhile, Lydia informed me she would really not like to eat the school lunch tomorrow, so I stopped to pack lunches. That, of course, led to grocery store list additions because I always worry about not having enough to put in her lunch (that she'll eat). AND wondering if I have enough snacks/drinks in my classroom for Lydia's breakfasts and after school snacks.

Somewhere along the way I washed a few dishes, cleared the dining room table, fed our animals, and stopped to redirect and play with the girls a few times. The girls are restless and tired which leads to guilt driven feelings of "I'm working to much - need to stop to interact". 

Today, plans also needed finalized on who/how Lydia is heading out with tomorrow after school since I have a meeting and we had a search party for Raina's doll. I'm still deciding if I need help getting Raina picked up on time another day this week when I have a hair appointment (that I'll hopefully remeber to go to).

There's also thoughts of: Is the Church bag ready with the girls notebooks inside? Did I need to replinish their stickers? Is my Bible class lesson ready for Wednesday night? Did I need to pick up new glue sticks for that? Do I need to put something else quiet in since the girls will be extra tired?

I do not at all mind the actual "doing" of all (or any?) of the things. It is the REMEMBERING. The remembering to have it all together for myself so that I can focus and function and show up prepared to things. It is the remembering to have everything for the girls so they can focus and function happily. Thank goodness Rob does most of his own remembering, but even so, part of my brain is trying to remeber what he has coming up so that I can anticipate his needs or at least remeber to ask him about it later in our attempts at adult conversation. 

None of it's necessarily bad. Furthermore, it DOES settle, at least somewhat,  (let's say, the 2nd month of school?). But people, it's exhausting. 

When a teacher (or any other working anyone 🤷🏼‍♀️) says their tired (especially if that teacher is also a mom) it's not from physically working. Teaching is fun! It's from all the remembering and analyzing and anticipating. It's from all the thought and all the worries.

I'm not even complaining ... More like, acknowledgeing. It's real. We feel it. I feel it. Be aware of it - especially the fact that other people you love are probably dealing with it. 

It's the mental workload. And it's exhausting. 

Seasons

Once upon a time Robbie and I were incredibly busy people. Then we had Lydia. ....and I wondered what we'd even been doing with all our time before becoming parents. 

Then we added a second child. And whoa. Clearly I hadn't known what "busy" meant before. And, last summer when we added tball practice and tball games I was reminded that someday both the girls will be involved in things, and I'm sure I'll look back on this time and laugh at my 'Im so busy' self. 

The thing is, we go through seasons. From our own status (single - married - parents and school - job) to life's ups and downs and the way we are functioning because of them. And goodness knows our kids (and therefore us...) go through seasons that vary from easy to  "whoa, what were we thinking".

The thing about seasons is they don't last. They stay a while, and then they change - fleeting and often without much notice. Sometimes those changes are hard faught, other times were saddened to see them end. It just depends on the season. 

So when my slight addiction to "browsing Etsy" led me to these, I knew I wanted this reminder. 

It's going to live on my laptop where I'll see it almost every day so that it can remind me: this season, happy or sad or somewhere in-between ... It's going to pass just like all the other seasons before it. Lydia will only have this one season of being a new kindergarten. Raina is beginning a season of getting to do daycare with her cousins and some other awesome kiddos. I will only have this one season with my new group of school kiddos (and hopefully only this one season that involves Covid-19). 

None of these seasons will last. But also, none of them will be wasted. Not unless we let them be. There is something in every season (often multiple something's) that makes me better for the next season. That's a God thing. But those things only take effect if I let them - if I'm paying attention and willing to be molded and "bettered".

So here's to this season - whatever one I've caught you in. Don't let it be wasted. 

Keep Moving

Sometime during mud season ... I mean, spring ... we took a walk out at the farm to see the calves. As we ventured through a particularly muddy section of the woods my cousin said "I don't know where to put my foot so my boot won't sink down". My mom's reply was "Just keep moving, because if you stand still for to long you'll sink down for sure." 

Sometimes, you just have to keep moving forward.

You may not know the exact right path. You may not have all the answers. You may even misstep and have to backtrack or correct. But I promise you, if you stand still for to long, you'll sink down in the mud ... And having a boot stuck makes it a whole lot harder to move forward 

Today, we had back to school convocation. We sat differently than we ever had. We wore masks. Our conversations were new and focused on issues we wouldn't have anticipated even last fall. 

We took the best information we have and made the best plans we can. And, though the best laid plans are always subject to change, I am so thankful to be in a place where the people are willing to do their best to always move forward in the best direction we have to go. 

Nesting

"Do you want to get dressed and go to Mommy's classroom?"

"Um. Maybe later we do that. How bout you come lay in my nest?!"

....and that folks, is quite possibly how Raina feels about the back to school adjustment that's coming up ... You know ... Tomorrow. 😳

She's nesting. Literally. Burrowing in. Snuggle buddies, her favorite blankets, and, well, home. She's burrowing in to home.

If ever I complained about being "stuck" at home (I have, I'm sure, because it's often hard) ... I regret it in moments like these ...because these are Raina's favorite things: her baby dolls, snuggle buddies, and blankets piled in Sissy's room, and momma to lay in the nest with her.

These are the things I'll be hurrying us home to at the end of each day and these slow mornings are the things I'll be cherishing a little extra when we get to sneak them. Routine is good. Getting back to our people is more than good. But time at home together? That's the best of all.

Sharpies and Silverware

I was organizing my desk drawers at school and came across a few gold sharpies a retiring teacher had given me. The card attached said something like "For a teacher as good as gold." I wish I'd saved that card! 

I've kept those sharpies and every time I use them - or any other gold marker, I think of Mrs. Orlando and her note. While I was (and am!) thankful she thought of me and for the compliment, what these sharpies remind me of is the challenge, or call to rise, that I think was intended with her words. She told me I was good teacher so that I would remember to be a good teacher ... And maybe remember to add a little gold sparkle, too. 

When Robbie and I got married we registered for one set of silverware. Mrs. McIntosh got us two sets and the card attached said something about "You always need extra when your hostessing." .....I hadn't hosted anything of my own yet and her note was, I believe, a challenge ... a call to rise. It was her reminder that she expected I would be having people into my home and helping to continue a community tradition of hospitality.

I don't always live up to the legacy either of these ladies (or the many others that have poured into me) have left,  but I am always thankful for the reminders to strive to be what they thought I could. How lucky I am to have people who expect me to be better than I am - or at least to be the best version of myself? For if ever I doubt, I can draw on their promise that I am capable and that it's all worth the effort.

Iron Guy #Goals

The other day I hurried across the yard towards the swingset at my Mom and Dad's where four kiddos needed pushes with an Iron Man doll stuck in my pocket. 

I probably wouldn't have thought much about it had it not been for my brother-in-law joking "I bet you never thought you'd be caring an Iron Man doll around in your pocket." We chuckled, joked about *goals*, and went about the evening.

As I put Iron Man safely on Raina's dresser that evening I laughed to myself. After all, I'm sure not many people make life goals concerning Barbie sized Iron Man dolls. 

However, the reason I was carrying Iron Man in the first place was because Raina currently loves him (who knows why 🤷🏼‍♀️) and carries "Iron Guy" everywhere. As her cousins went running to the swingset she needed her hands free to keep up but couldn't bear the idea of leaving him behind ... And so, Mom got to carry him. 

No, I never had a goal about carrying Iron Man ... or, honestly, about carrying all my kids stuff everywhere even when my hands are full of my own stuff 🙄 ... BUT being the keeper of the special things? The momma trusted to keep a loved object safe? Maybe that has been one of my life goals. 

Maybe sometimes in the hustle and bustle, in the day to day laundry, dishes, toy pick ups and floor sweeping, maybe sometimes I forget that taking care of my home and my family ARE my life goals.

Maybe in those moments when the dog is barking and one girls crying and another is begging and Rob needs an extra hand and I can physically (and exhausted-ly) feel how much I am needed I sometimes forget that being needed by these people IS one of my life goals.

Maybe when a kid ... or two ... Is saying "Mommy" over and over and over again not because they actually need anything but just because they want my attention, maybe sometimes I forget that being wanted by them IS an awesome life goal.

Because this family, and this life we're so blessed to be living, has been my life goal for most of my life. Pushing swings, tickle fights, bedtime snuggles, and all the emotionally exhausting moments in-between are what I've worked hard for. They are what I'll keep working hard for. 

So, I'll carrying Iron Man any time I'm asked ... and  pray I don't drop him, or mess any more important part of these life goals up. ♥️

Fillings and Rough Edges

I sat at the dentist today getting a filling. It's not a spot high on my "favorite places and things" list for sure. Yet, here I found myself. I sat patiently through the numbing shot and let it take effect (bleh). I managed to "relax" through the drilling and filling. But, by the time the dentist was putting on the finishing touches and grinding my new filling smooth, I was getting quite done. The grinding sound rang in my head, my jaw was tired of being open, and I found myself *willing* the dentist to declare my tooth "good enough" so I could just be done. 

At some point I realized the sillyness of getting aggravated at the final moments. After all, if I could make it through all the rest, why give up at the moments meant to make my filling better match my other teeth and be smooth enough to not hurt? Certainly I could sit still for 2 more minutes.

And, as I sat there, this thought occured to me: Getting a tooth filled could surely be related to our spiritual lives somehow. 

See, normally my least favorite part of dental work is the numbing shot. It hurts because, well, I'm not numb yet. It's also terrible because I know it's going to make me uncomfortable for some amount of time. 

When we first realize we need to turn to God, it is often through some sort of uncomfortable moment, thought process, or turn of events. It shakes us ... It might even hurt ... But it sets us up for what's to come.

Once numb, the dentist can do whats needed because I'm only *sort* of feeling it. When we are newling on fire for God we are willing to make big changes because we're excited and passionate. We're willing to put ourselves out there because we have new and wonderful things to share. We shrug off any slight discomfort, secure in the fact that "it's worth it".

But somewhere along the way during the dental process I get tired of sitting there holding my mouth open. The finishing works starts feeling a bit like torture and I just plain ole get tired of it. Im tempted to settle for "good enough" in an effort for more comfort and ease.

How often in my spiritual life have I gotten a bit tired of the "finishing work"? Have I been tempted to settle for good enough just so I didn't have to work as hard? Just so I could be more comfortable? Have I wished the trials that I know make me stronger would just ... Quit? 

Sure I have. But goodness knows I'm not anywhere close to perfect yet, and so even though sometimes I wish against it, I am thankful the trials will continue to smooth out my rough edges.

It'd be a shame if my cavity had just gotten bigger or if a bad, uneven filling job ruined my teeth.

It'd be worse if my rough spots kept me out of heaven someday. 

Spending the Present

We are officially entering the weird part of summer where my brain feels in limbo. I start half obsessively thinking about school and half obsessively attempting to hang on to (and squeeze the most out of) summer.

And let me tell you, this year's unknowns are not helping my issue any. 🤦🏼‍♀️

Literally my brain:

I should type up my class lists. No I shouldn't because it's bound to change so much. I should think about how I want my room arranged since I have more kiddos than last year. No I shouldn't ... I may be told more specifics about how I need to set up my tables. I should make a check in/lunch choice board. No I shouldn't, that would just be one more thing for kids to touch. Why am I not playing with the girls? I need to make sure the swimsuits are packed for Nana's house. Yes, yes we can go play outside. But then I need to work on Google Classroom. Just kidding, our classes aren't ready quite yet, so I'll just get some other work done.

It's ridiculous. And it's really anti who I want to be. I want to be present, not preoccupied. I want to soak up moments, not miss them because I'm absoarbed thinking about things I can't even really take care of yet. I DO want to be ready and I seriously value planning ahead ... But I also want to take problems as they come and fully appreciate the situations that I am currently in. Because, after all, "each day has enough trouble of it's own" (Mt. 6:34). 

Sooo, here's to enjoying my moments and being present in them. Here's to not stressing about things that are yet to unfold. And, here's to spending my time well ... Because I don't have enough of it to waste any. 

Hard Hearted

The story of Moses and Pharoh is probably one of the more famous Old Testament Bible stories. Most have heard "Let my people go" and know of the plagues God brought in Egypt even if we can't always name them all or in order. 

It's often amazed me how long it took Pharoh to let the Israelites free (you know, for the short time before he attempted to chase them down). His story certainly makes a solid case for stubbornness ... But more than stubbornness, his story is one of hard heartedness. 

See, whenever we hear ... well .. anything, we react to it. God's word is no different. When we hear it - when we read it - we react to it some way. Now, maybe we react with joy and emotion. Maybe we react by internalizing it and trying to do what it says. But maybe we react to it by rolling our eyes. Maybe we react in anger. Maybe we react by thinking "sure hope ____ was listening to that". Maybe we react by decisively not reacting in an attempt to ignore. But, we always, always, react.

So here's what hit me tonight: Sometimes I harden my heart. Sometimes I don't let myself be affected by God's word they way I should. Sometimes by distraction, sometimes by choice, I hear God's word or read God's word and walk away changing nothing. Sometimes I even allow myself to think "I knew all that" or "I've got that part down."

How dangerous. 

Folks, I am thankful to be confident in my salvation. I so desire to live my life so that I can feel sure in my souls eternal destination. But there is a line. It lies somewhere between confident and overconfident and just like many other lines, it is sometimes hard to spot.

I want my heart to be secure in my salvation - always - period. But I also want my heart to be soft, moldable, and affected by God's word - always - period period. 

Because when my heart stops being affected and responsive to God's word ... Well, then I better start to reexamine my confidence level pretty quickly. So, here's to a softer heart ... Because a  hard heart can cloud your vision a bit I'm certain .... And I don't even have to learn that the hard way like Pharoh did. 

*Thoughts from a couple of recent sermons collided here. You can listen to them here!*