When Cheering Doesn't Feel Like Cheering

A week or two ago I had to say no to my kiddos request to join a group that a lot of her friends are in because they meet at the same time that we go to church. 

They only meet once a month. I could have excused it. I could have made excuses for it. 

A few months ago she wanted to participate in an activity we said no to. It would have been innocent and fine at the level she was at as a 7 year old. It probably would have been cute even. 

But, as much as it is hard to say no to her sometimes ... A lot of the times .... Rob and I constantly remind ourselves that the girls' "in the moment" happiness is not actually our end goal.

Oh, their in the moment happiness is important to us. So, SO important to us. 

But our end goal is their *long term* happiness. And their long term salvation. 

And the "in the moment" happiness does not always guarantee that long term goal. Sometimes it works against it. 

So, instead of saying "we can miss church this time" I remind myself I have to help her understand how important it is to put God first. I have to help her understand at her level now so that she can learn and understand on her own, deeper level later.

And instead of saying "you can do that dance now while you're little but not when you're bigger.", I try to help her understand how important modesty is. I have to help guide her heart now, so that she can study and understand on her own, later. 

I may have realized one of the hardest parts about being a parent: I so desperately want my kids to know that I am their biggest cheerleader and always will be.  Infact, I will ALWAYS be cheering them on. But my cheering may not always *feel* like cheering to them. 

I want to cheer them on in what they enjoy. In what they are good at. I also want to cheer them on in what they are struggling with. In what they are attempting to learn. In what they are interest in taking on.

But even more than that, I want to cheer them on in their growth towards being awesome people. I want to cheer them on in their growth towards God. And I want to cheer them on in their journey to Heaven. 

Those long term goals have already started, even though they are young. And they'll continue to be my long term goals through much trying decisions than my girls are at now. 

And, so, sometimes I will have to look past the short term goal of "make them happy" in order to focus on the long term goal of "help lead them to Christ." 

And even harder ... I have to toe the line of balance. Make my decisions in a way they can accept. Explain the reasons in a way they can hear and understand.

Figure out the right choice when there isn't an easy one. 

And sometimes, many times even, I am going to have to love my girls enough to tell them no.

I have a feeling lots of people will love my girls enough to want to see, and even help make, them happy in the moment.

But that short term happiness doesn't always lead towards a happy end. 

It may be up to me to love them enough to tell them the hard truths. To say no when it isn't what they want to hear.

To love them enough to cheer them to the long term goal even when in the short term it doesn't feel like cheering to them 

Because "no, I don't think we should...." Never feels like cheering when you hear it. But sometimes, in hindsight, we realize that the people who questioned our decisions and pushed us towards better ones were actually cheering us on the loudest of all. 

Short Answer. Long Answer.

Today I had an interesting conversation with some colleagues that led to an interesting question being asked: "How can we have a collaborative culture in our building if teams aren't allowed to try things?" 

I've been thinking about that question ever since the conversation ended. Which was probably *exactly* the askers intention. 

And well the short answer is .... We can't. 

But the long answer is much more complicated. 

We can't have a collaborative culture if teams, and individuals, and well, people in general, aren't allowed to try things. 

But we also can't have a collaborative culture if people aren't allowed to disagree. 

Collaboration doesn't magically happen. It takes a whole lot of work - which anyone working on or working to help build a collaborative team already knows. 

The thing none of us (or at least no sane people) *love* is that part of that work towards building a collaborative team is incredibly uncomfortable. 

Some of that hard work IS disagreeing. And then working through that disagreeance. 

99% of decisions made in a school setting - and dare I assume any workplace setting - are going to involve some amount of disagreement. It's just part of the process because we are all human and we all have different opinions and approaches. 

And so, in workplaces, we generally see two methods used. 

Sometimes top down decisions are made. People may grumble. But good workers do the job (of course, within reason). Sometimes I really truly acknowledge and believe that this has to happen for the best interest of all. 

Other times decisions are collaborative team decisions. Someone brings up an idea or highlights a problem. People work together to hash out the best move forward. This often requires disagreement, explanations, considerations, discussions, and ultimately often requires compromise. Sometimes even a "disagree and committ" stance must be taken when a full compromise cannot be made. 

But sometimes there is a third scenario. It may be more unique to education or any work place where there are multiple sub-teams functioning somewhat separately but yet working towards the same whole-team goal.

Sometimes a decision must be made collaboratively within a sub-team that mostly effects that team, but has a ripple effect to the other parts of the greater team. 

And that can be the hardest part of collaboration of all. If you are not on the sub-team working on the decision, this comes across as a "top down" decision because you were not part of the collaboration. Yet, you may *know* it was a collaborative decision - your piece just wasn't part of the collaboration. This creates a somewhat uncomfortable dynamic.

On teams that are so used to making those collaborative decisions, people may not know exactly where to go with their thoughts on these decisions. 

Do they grumble quietly? Do they speak up vocally as if the decision hasn't been made? Do they just keep their mouth shut because it isn't their sub-team? But what if they feel very personally invested because they very much buy into the idea of the larger team aspect?

It's tricky. And sometimes it feels like people are just being disagreeable. 

To be fair, maybe sometimes they are. 

But maybe sometimes disagreements voiced arent a sign that you don't have a collaborative culture. Maybe sometimes it's that you've done a good enough job developing a collaborative culture that people are used to getting to voice their piece. Used to getting the opportunity to talk through things. Maybe sometimes it's a sign that you have sub-teams that are fully invested in the larger team. 

And, so, we can explain the other side to them. Or sometimes we might just tell them "On this one, we have to defer to this sub-team." 

So my long answer is: We can't have a collaborative culture if people aren't allow to try things. It is wonderful to have a  collaborative culture where people are able to voice disagreements, concerns, and other opinions in a place where they will be taken seriously and talked through in a way appropriate for the situation (which differs each time). 

Respectful disagreement, when people are able to remain committed to upholding the decision after having their concerns heard, is not a sign of a breakdown of a collaborative culture. Sometimes those voiced disagreements are just people eager to be part of the collaboration - even if it wasn't their rodeo this time - that need a place to go with their thoughts. Maybe it is a sign that collaboration is expected, desired, and missed .... Which is actually an awesome sign .... you just have to get through the uncomfortableness of deciding what the explanation is going to be to the ones who weren't part of the collaboration that go round, first. 

Asking For Help

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. 

Asking for help doesn't mean you owe anyone an explanation or back story. 

Asking for help, in no way, requires an apology. 

Asking for help does not require favors owed.

There is a falsehood that plagues us .... That we should be strong enough to do it all, carry it all, be it all. That we should suffer quietly, push through by whatever means necessary. Pull oursleves together any time someone is looking. 

I will not tell you to give in. 

I will be the very last to encourage you to lay down and let the world trample you. 

I will never encourage you to give up. 

But I WILL tell you this:

Asking for help IS the strongest acknowledgement of our humanity. 

Asking for help actually shows that you are strong enough, and aware enough, to recognize your own limitations. 

Asking for help does give others the opportunity to contribute, and feel a part of, your world. 

Asking for help definitely builds and strengthens connections between people. 

Asking for help is a way of saying "I trust you enough to let you see that I am vulnerable, and real, and human." 

I will not judge. I will not laugh. 

I will acknowledge your strength. I will help you move forward even if the only "real" help I have to offer is to walk beside you through the journey.

Lots of people will. 

Because asking for help doesn't showcase your weakness. Asking for help merely let's us see your strength.

Sometimes Someone

There is often someone

Watching awfully close. 

And sometimes they are cheering

But sometimes, well, they don't. 

All too often someone

Isn't watching for success,

They are watching for the slip up

Even cheering for the mess.

From the shadows someone

Waits quitely nearby

Or maybe that someone boldy throws

hurdles you must go by.

And sometimes that sneaky someone

Is so well in disguise

That your struggle seems imaginary

To other neutral passerbys. 

And so, often, that someone

Really needs to know

That they can just keep waiting

Because you have only up to go

Yes, indeed that someone

May be surprised to see

That you see and call their game play

Though unsure of the motives you may be

Don't give in to that someone,

They aren't worth the fold.

They may be causing hardship

But you are wise and bold.

Simply show that someone

That you can play the game

And while you can't claim perfection

And you need not rise to fame...

You are a stronger someone

Than they have pegged you for

And just keep moving forward

Seek better, push for more

Inspite of that someone

You are steadfast, you are true

And you know along the sidelines

There are others backing you. 

You will outlast the someone

They will tire, they will give

As you calmly do the right things

And a steady message send

You are a worthy someone

And the rest of us can see

That you're worth the cheer and backing

We're as ready as can be

We'll jump in to be your someones

In your corner, at your call,

Hold you up with quiet strength

Greatful you stand tall. 

There's a lot of someones

Watching close our tried and true

Aware that you are working hard

And oh so proud of you. 

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Sometimes you have to play a person's game just enough to show them you aren't giving in to them.

Sometimes you have to fight battles quietly because, due to various circumstances and situations, you can't share all details. 

Sometimes it's really, really, hard. 

But all the time there are more people in your corner than you might think in the moment. 

And all the time God is with you as you do your best for Him. 

And all the time you are worth the struggle, and you deserve some cheers. 

I don't know when it gets easier. But I know you have the strength to make it to that point. 

Don't give in to the pressure to fail. Play the game just a bit longer and you are likely to come out on top -- even if it isn't exactly the same "top" you originally thought you were aiming for. 💪

They are watching you anyway. Don't let them see you buckle, let them see you succeed.