The Christian's Words

Oh, words. We say a lot of them each day (sometimes too many) - and certainly a whole bunch of our life times. So, do the ones we choose matter? They absolutely do. Our words show our character to the world. Where God can see our heart itself, mankind sees our heart by the things that we do and the things that we say. Matthew 15:18 reminds us “But those which proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and they defile a man.” Furthermore, we’re warned in Proverbs 13:3 “He who guards his mouth preserves his life, but he who opens wide his lips shall have destruction.” So, to what extent do our words matter? What things should we be saying and what things should we not be saying?

    For the most part, what we should be saying is easy to identify in scripture. We know that  we need to be speaking the truth at all times. Ephesians 4:29  tells us “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth, but what is good for necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers.”, and Ephesians 4:25 we are told to put away lying and “let each one of you speak truth with his neighbor for we are members of one another.” We also know that our words should be kind and uplifting. Proverbs 16:24 reads “Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones.” and Ephesians 4:32 says “And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another…”. We know, just from our own experiences, that words have the power to tear down just as much as they have the power to build up. Our aim should always be to build others up and draw them closer to God. 1 Thessalonians 5:11 reminds us to “comfort each other and build one another up.”

    Now, being kind and building one another up doesn’t mean we never have to say hard things. Unfortunately, there are going to be times where we simply have to have hard conversations. Maybe telling the truth means I can’t actually say "I love your outfit" - but I can probably find a way to still be kind about that. Disagreements on a personal level come, and while it does take practice, it is very possible to be kind even through the disagreements. What can be much harder is the times when we see the need to address wrong doings, sins, or areas where we see the Bible being disregarded, misused, or misunderstood. It is important to remember that we cannot shy away from these hard conversations. We are told numerous times in scripture that it is our responsibility to spread the gospel. In Mark 16:15 we read the instruction to “Go into all the world and preach the gospel to every creature.”, and in 2 Timothy 2:4 we are told “Preach the word! Be ready in season and out of season. Convince, rebuke, exhort, with all long suffering and teaching.” Personal evangelism is an entire topic all its own that likely needs its own lesson book. So, for the purpose of this chapter, let’s agree that our words SHOULD be used to draw others to Christ and preach about Christ. We should be about our Heavenly Father’s work, spreading the gospel - and we’re going to need to use our words to help accomplish that goal. 

    If our words are meant to edify, encourage, draw others to God, and teach others about the gospel, there are, by necessity, some things our words should not be. James 3 spends several verses giving caution and instruction about our words. In fact in verse 8 we’re told “no man can tame the tongue. It is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.” Watching what we say can be hard - so hard. Undoing damage caused by our own words can be harder still. James 3 goes on to tell us in verse 10 that “Out of the same mouth proceed blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be so.” We cannot use our mouths to both praise God and serve the devil - that double standard will never do. 

    Our words should be a reflection of our hearts - which we are aiming to make righteous and pleasing to God. In order to demonstrate this there are many things we need to avoid with our words

• Inappropriate/profane “humor”: When listing things that should not be named among sayings, Ephesians 5:4 states “neither filthiness, nor foolish talking, nor coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks.” We live in a time where worldly morality seems to deem it ‘totally okay’ to tell rude and inappropriate jokes of a disrespectful, degrading, even sexual nature in ‘the name of humor’. Biblical morality reminds us that it is in fact not okay at all. 

• Gossip: 2 Timothy 2:16 warns us to “shun profane and idle babblings for they will increase to more ungodliness.” and, Proverbs 10:18 warns “...whoever spreads slander is a fool.” Gossip is easy to fall prey to. It draws us in and begs us to spread it. It’s so commonplace it’s hard to run away from. Yet we are warned time and time again in the Bible to be careful what we say and make sure we are building up and spreading truth - not tearing down.

• Lying: Another “easy to say - sometimes hard to do” one is lying. Psalms 34:13 says “Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit”. Proverbs 6:16-19 lists “a lying tongue” and “a false witness who pours out lies” amongst things that God hates. Furthermore, Colossians 3:9 tells us “Do not lie to one another, since you have put off the old man with his deeds…”. “Don’t lie” is a simple command to give but can be hard to practice in today’s world where the “little white lie” is often excused. Remember, God does not distinguish between levels of lies and sins.

• Swearing: James 5:12 instructs “But above all, my brethren, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or with any other oath. But let your “yes’ be “Yes” and your “No,” “No,” lest you fall into judgment. It’s as simple as that. Dictionary.com defines “swear” as “to make a solemn declaration or affirmation by some sacred being or object, as a deity or the Bible.” or “to bind oneself by oath”. Long story short, our word needs to be good enough on its own. We shouldn't need to be affirmed by an object or being - we just need to be able to say “yes I will” or “No I didn’t…” and that is enough. “Do not swear” doesn’t need to be complicated - but it may be a habitual use of language that we have to put the time, focus, and effort into breaking.

• Using Profanity (cussing/cursing): Though I’ve mentioned it before, Ephesians 4:29 very much applies here as well. It reads simply “Let no corrupt word proceed out of your mouth…” But what are corrupt words? Some are more widely accepted, even by worldly morality. Words that are sexual and/or degrading in nature need not be used by the Christian. Taking God’s name in vain is also a big “no-no”. God is holy and we need to use His name reverently - when we are calling out to Him or actually talking to and about Him. Hell is another word that should be avoided unless used in its proper context. Furthermore, “damn” references wishing damnation on a person which is something the Christian should strive to avoid. The harder discussion on this topic is when we begin talking about euphemisms. Euphemism is defined as “a mild or indirect word or expression substituted for one considered to be too harsh or blut when referring to something unpleasant or embarrassing.” So “gosh”, “heck”, and “darn” (and many others) would all fall here. Various people will take euphemisms to various levels. Is “gosh” bad but “golly” okay? What about “drat”? Each person needs to seek out where the line is. But we need to seek that line with the correct measurement in mind: are we using our words decisively for God? And are our words reflecting our righteousness? If not - we need to put in the effort to break bad habits and change our speech to be befitting that of a Christian.

    It boils down to this: Our words show others about our hearts and we have the choice to use them to praise and glorify God, or slander Him. Matthew 12:36-37 gives us a warning we all need to pay close attention to: “But I say to you that for every idle word men may speak, they will give account of it on the day of judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned.” Your words matter. Choose them carefully.    

Keepers Of The Car Keys

Dad's. Uncle's. Grandfather's. 

I've been blessed with the best - and here's some things I've noticed from watching them. 

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Dad's have the highest expectation of their child's behavior, and the largest threshold for fun. 

Dad's have huge amounts of responsibility - both self and societally imposed, and also the ability to fall asleep in any chair. 

Dad's have mastered the "here we go again" sigh, but also haul all the things, drive all the places, and clap the loudest. 

Dad's wrestle with tolddlers, and then somehow get them to lay down and go to sleep.

Dad's fight fiercely to protect and shelter, and yet somehow manage to instill confidence and strength.

Dad's work hard, often outside the home, and often in the elements of outside, and yet still find time to take a turn cooking dinner or washing the dishes. 

Dad's are gruff and manly, but also paint finger nails and sit at tea parties. 

Dad's have plenty of things to do, but make plenty of time to play catch, shoot hoops, ride bikes, and coach little league teams.

Dad's are often behind the scenes, content to support from the sidelines, and yet determined to see you in the spotlight, getting the credit they know you deserve.

Dad's are role models, motivators, and allies all wrapped into one.

Dad's are needed, and they are special.

It's a unique role that is often grown into. 

It's a role we probably don't give enough credit to.

It's a God designed role that is so, so powerful when filled correctly. 

I'm thankful for the one I have, and the ones I get to benefit from knowing. 

Happy Father's Day, dad's. You deserve it.

Sometimes

Sometimes I bake brownies for potluck style get togethers. Sometimes I grab a bag of Chips-A-Hoy chocolate chunk cookies from the grocery store shelf on the way over.

Sometimes I remember to pack everything for the girls on vacation. Sometimes I forget to pack myself pajamas or church shoes.

Some days my house is clean and picked up enough we could easily host company without a moments notice. Some days it's become a cluttered disaster zone I've lost complete control of even though no one has even been home enough to make that happen ... or even though I've been home doing house keeping things the whole time. 

Sometimes I plan all the cool projects and fun things for my girls. Sometimes I am genuinely surprised when it's dinner time and I remember I am the one who is supposed to be in charge of feeding the kids.

Sometimes I feel like I know the answers and am willing to share. Sometimes I have no idea what I want to say or how to say it.

I suppose when I was a kid I looked up to people like my momma, my teachers, my friends parents, and my adult family members, and was pretty sure they literally knew everything. Or at least knew what they thought about everything. They knew what to do in every situation. They knew how to parent, how to calm a child, how to talk to everyone, and what decisions to be made. I apparently assumed there was a magical point in my life where I would just .... know. I would be a grown up adult person who knew things and what to do about them.

I thought maybe it was when I got married and had my first real job. But that just showed me more things I didn't actually know all the answers too.

I thought maybe it was home ownership. That seemed like real adulting. But that just showed me more things I knew nothing about.

Then, I thought, well, it must be motherhood that does it. You know, that makes you feel like a "real" grown up. But motherhood has left me doubting my own knowledge more often than not - are we doing this right? How should we _____? What if we _____? 

And so, here's what I've decided .... you know, at the ripe old age of 32 ... I'm never going to feel like an "all the way" grown up. I'm never going to know it all, have all the right answers, or know what to do about every situation.

There will always be something I need to research. Something I need to call for someone else's opinion or knowledge on. Some question that I simply have to answer with "Well, I have no idea."

Oh, there will be times when I have strong opinions and I know what I'm talking about. There will be times when I am able to appear like I have it all together - at least for the few minutes you see me - ha. There will be things I am confident on and proud moments when I know i'm doing something right.

But there will also be sometimes. Sometimes when I barely made it out of the house on time. Sometimes when my kids remind me I don't know that much after all. Sometimes when I just don't know.

And that's okay.

It's just part of it.

No one likes a know-it-all anyway.

I'm just going to be a life long learner. That's a positive trait, right?

So maybe you and I can lean on each other a bit. Maybe my "I don't knows" and your "I do know this ones!" will line up just right and we can be each others people. Because sometimes I've got this and other times I soooo do not got this -- but all the times our chances are a whole lot better when we have people to navigate the craziness with.

And even the "all the way grown up" adult people know it's true.

Unsolicited Advice

Apparently we're in the middle of "wedding season" - or so says the fact that today I had the privilege to attend my 3rd wedding in 3 weeks. It's been wonderful to see each sweet couple joined together, and fun to see the different "spins" put on the ceremonies - each as unique as the couple themselves. 

With 3 weddings down and 2 more we'll attend in the fall and winter, I've found myself thinking about the beginnings of marriages .... and so, here is some "new marriage" advice that not a single one of these couples asked me for  ....  tooooo bad for them, I may just send them this anyway ;).

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Congratulations! You're married! It's exciting. Like - really exciting. I know, I remember. Almost 11 years ago Robbie and I started on our own journey. Sure, to you 11 years sounds like a long time .... I'm realizing more and more that it is actually *not* a long time at all. Except for on the few days when it feels like it's been a long time - ha! That's the thing about marriage - there's a bit of a balancing act involved in pretty much every aspect of it.

Balances Such As:

It's all about you - but it's not all about you. Oh, in that newly wed phase, it is natural - important maybe even - to be a tiny bit self absorbed. You're in a bubble of bliss and newness that is absolutely wonderful. You NEED that time - you need to get to know each other on this new level. You need to "set up" house and figure things out. You need to just enjoy each other. Yet, you aren't in a bubble. There are a billion people invested in you that want to share in your joy. People who would love the chance to help guide you - people who just want to be with you. Let them. And don't forget to put into them, too. 

You're married - but you aren't all knowing. You are now a husband and wife. You are your own family. It's one of those things that sort of blows minds - one day you're just a daughter and a son - the next you are a husband and a wife. With that comes some growing up things that are natural - such as "Don't tell us what to do - we are our own family now." AND I get it. There is a drive - a responsibility - a joy even - in making those decisions for you and your little family. But for goodness sakes, don't forget you need your momma and your daddy. You don't know how to fix everything that may break - but your dad might. You don't always know what to do - but Mommas usually have great ideas. What to cook for dinner? Grandma would love you to ask her. What lawnmower to buy? I'm sure someone will give you an opinion. Big stuff? Call them. Little stuff? Call them. Partly because they need you to still need them. Partly because ... well ... you still need them. (Side note - 11 years later ... you will still need them).

You married a person not their family - but you married into their family. Call your momma. But call your spouse's too. Go to the family gatherings. Spend the time to get to know each other's people. Not just the friend group that you share "people" but the extend group of cousins? Get to know them too. And your spouses and parents and grandparents? They ought to become your people, too. But that takes time. And effort. And sometimes slight inconvenience and uncomfortableness at first. It's worth it. When you can truly be part of each other's families you have done two wonderful things for yourselves: you have doubled your own family and you have protected your spouse's relationship with their family. It's important.

Be fair to both families - but let go of "equal". Families aren't the same. They do things differently and they need different things from you. There is no possible way for you to chart time and keep track of "we were with your family for ____ hours and we haven't seen mine this week." It will destroy you, your family relationships, and hurt your marriage. This goes for each other's friends, too. Some groups get together more often than others. That's okay. Do with each family what works. This is HARD for lots of reasons as you figure stuff out. Depending on location it may mean you have to figure out how to alternate "We'll be with his family on Christmas Day this year, and the other side of the family on Christmas day next year." Harder still, depending on beliefs and lifestyles it may mean "We can stay at your brothers house as late as we want playing games but we have to leave your brothers house when they start drinking because we don't want to be around the drinking". It's not equal - but it will flow somewhat naturally if you will let go of the idea of "equal".

Give grace to everyone. I'm not even trying to balance that with anything. Just give some grace and then give some more. Your parents just gave away a son or daughter. They need grace. They - who were still figuring out how to parent an adult child - are now trying to figure out how to be a parent to a daughter-in-law or son-in-law. It's new. You might feel like they've overstepped - but give them grace, they are trying. Your friends are navigating a new normal - you got married. They may not be. It's different. That's okay - give it time, and give them grace. Give yourselves grace, too. You have just gone through some huge life changes. There are going to be moments you have no idea what you've gotten in to. Give yourself grace. And then give your spouse more grace. 

Be one partner team - but be an individual, too. It is exciting to be inseparable. But it's okay to maintain your passions and hobbies, too. Do things together ... but go do things with your girl or guy friends occasionally also. There will be things that are super fun for you to do together .... and there will be things that you approach so differently its actually more fun to do them separately (ahem - putting furniture together). Maybe one of you loves to read and the other plays video games. That's okay. Maybe one of you builds the furniture and the other arranges it. That's okay too. Find a balance.

The decisions you make now are super important - but things will change a million times. As you start out, you are living out your roles for the first time. Who is the spiritual leader? Who handles finances? Who goes grocery shopping? It matters hugely that you have a strong foundation. If he is doing something that annoys you - tell he/she (kindly and lovingly) now - not 3 years later.  Make decisions together. Talk through the big things and the little. Establish great communication. From your wedding forward people are viewing you as a couple. One person's actions now reflect squarely on both of you - and on both of your families as well. No pressure. But also, know, things will adapt as you grow. You are young. You are still growing into yourselves - and a million and two life things will happen that will grow you and change you. That's okay too - and actually incredibly healthy and necessary. If your foundation is strong, you'll be able to talk through and handle each of those growth changes. 

Plan for everything you eventually want - and don't rush for any of it.  You are newly weds. There is a great possibility you don't have a ton of money right now stored up to do whatever you want. That's okay. That awesome house you see yourself raising your family in and entertaining in someday? It may come - someday. Plan for it. Save for it (because when you do get it, it comes with bills.....) But in the mean time? Make the rental homey and wonderful - and go ahead and entertain in it, too. The kids you want someday? Plan for them. Be the best people you can be. Love on other people's kiddos. Your days to parent will come. And once they are here .... they don't stop, fyi. So, enjoy being a couple - just the two. Plans don't always work out. Sometimes they get derailed, sometimes the dream goal changes - but good things tend to come in time. So, enjoy the time, enjoy the now, and then you'll be best prepared to enjoy the future when you get there.

Remember God, without balance. He is the foundation of your individual life. He is the foundation of your marriage, of your family. Prioritize Him, and His people. Set up your wedding in a way that show you are His. Live your lives in a way that shows you are His. Build your relationship on Him and on a lifestyle befitting Him. Start NOW at the start of your marriage with God being the center of everything - the focus of your every decision. The priority. You wouldn't have each other without Him. That means being the best servant's of God's you can be individually and as a married team. It's worth it every time.

In all honesty, marriage is one of the most wonderful blessings. It takes commitment. It takes effort. It takes a whole lot of patience and grace. And it is worth putting in to - today, at the beginning, and every single day looking forward. May this new chapter in your life be a wonderful adventure filled with contentment and love.