Unsolicited Advice

Apparently we're in the middle of "wedding season" - or so says the fact that today I had the privilege to attend my 3rd wedding in 3 weeks. It's been wonderful to see each sweet couple joined together, and fun to see the different "spins" put on the ceremonies - each as unique as the couple themselves. 

With 3 weddings down and 2 more we'll attend in the fall and winter, I've found myself thinking about the beginnings of marriages .... and so, here is some "new marriage" advice that not a single one of these couples asked me for  ....  tooooo bad for them, I may just send them this anyway ;).

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Congratulations! You're married! It's exciting. Like - really exciting. I know, I remember. Almost 11 years ago Robbie and I started on our own journey. Sure, to you 11 years sounds like a long time .... I'm realizing more and more that it is actually *not* a long time at all. Except for on the few days when it feels like it's been a long time - ha! That's the thing about marriage - there's a bit of a balancing act involved in pretty much every aspect of it.

Balances Such As:

It's all about you - but it's not all about you. Oh, in that newly wed phase, it is natural - important maybe even - to be a tiny bit self absorbed. You're in a bubble of bliss and newness that is absolutely wonderful. You NEED that time - you need to get to know each other on this new level. You need to "set up" house and figure things out. You need to just enjoy each other. Yet, you aren't in a bubble. There are a billion people invested in you that want to share in your joy. People who would love the chance to help guide you - people who just want to be with you. Let them. And don't forget to put into them, too. 

You're married - but you aren't all knowing. You are now a husband and wife. You are your own family. It's one of those things that sort of blows minds - one day you're just a daughter and a son - the next you are a husband and a wife. With that comes some growing up things that are natural - such as "Don't tell us what to do - we are our own family now." AND I get it. There is a drive - a responsibility - a joy even - in making those decisions for you and your little family. But for goodness sakes, don't forget you need your momma and your daddy. You don't know how to fix everything that may break - but your dad might. You don't always know what to do - but Mommas usually have great ideas. What to cook for dinner? Grandma would love you to ask her. What lawnmower to buy? I'm sure someone will give you an opinion. Big stuff? Call them. Little stuff? Call them. Partly because they need you to still need them. Partly because ... well ... you still need them. (Side note - 11 years later ... you will still need them).

You married a person not their family - but you married into their family. Call your momma. But call your spouse's too. Go to the family gatherings. Spend the time to get to know each other's people. Not just the friend group that you share "people" but the extend group of cousins? Get to know them too. And your spouses and parents and grandparents? They ought to become your people, too. But that takes time. And effort. And sometimes slight inconvenience and uncomfortableness at first. It's worth it. When you can truly be part of each other's families you have done two wonderful things for yourselves: you have doubled your own family and you have protected your spouse's relationship with their family. It's important.

Be fair to both families - but let go of "equal". Families aren't the same. They do things differently and they need different things from you. There is no possible way for you to chart time and keep track of "we were with your family for ____ hours and we haven't seen mine this week." It will destroy you, your family relationships, and hurt your marriage. This goes for each other's friends, too. Some groups get together more often than others. That's okay. Do with each family what works. This is HARD for lots of reasons as you figure stuff out. Depending on location it may mean you have to figure out how to alternate "We'll be with his family on Christmas Day this year, and the other side of the family on Christmas day next year." Harder still, depending on beliefs and lifestyles it may mean "We can stay at your brothers house as late as we want playing games but we have to leave your brothers house when they start drinking because we don't want to be around the drinking". It's not equal - but it will flow somewhat naturally if you will let go of the idea of "equal".

Give grace to everyone. I'm not even trying to balance that with anything. Just give some grace and then give some more. Your parents just gave away a son or daughter. They need grace. They - who were still figuring out how to parent an adult child - are now trying to figure out how to be a parent to a daughter-in-law or son-in-law. It's new. You might feel like they've overstepped - but give them grace, they are trying. Your friends are navigating a new normal - you got married. They may not be. It's different. That's okay - give it time, and give them grace. Give yourselves grace, too. You have just gone through some huge life changes. There are going to be moments you have no idea what you've gotten in to. Give yourself grace. And then give your spouse more grace. 

Be one partner team - but be an individual, too. It is exciting to be inseparable. But it's okay to maintain your passions and hobbies, too. Do things together ... but go do things with your girl or guy friends occasionally also. There will be things that are super fun for you to do together .... and there will be things that you approach so differently its actually more fun to do them separately (ahem - putting furniture together). Maybe one of you loves to read and the other plays video games. That's okay. Maybe one of you builds the furniture and the other arranges it. That's okay too. Find a balance.

The decisions you make now are super important - but things will change a million times. As you start out, you are living out your roles for the first time. Who is the spiritual leader? Who handles finances? Who goes grocery shopping? It matters hugely that you have a strong foundation. If he is doing something that annoys you - tell he/she (kindly and lovingly) now - not 3 years later.  Make decisions together. Talk through the big things and the little. Establish great communication. From your wedding forward people are viewing you as a couple. One person's actions now reflect squarely on both of you - and on both of your families as well. No pressure. But also, know, things will adapt as you grow. You are young. You are still growing into yourselves - and a million and two life things will happen that will grow you and change you. That's okay too - and actually incredibly healthy and necessary. If your foundation is strong, you'll be able to talk through and handle each of those growth changes. 

Plan for everything you eventually want - and don't rush for any of it.  You are newly weds. There is a great possibility you don't have a ton of money right now stored up to do whatever you want. That's okay. That awesome house you see yourself raising your family in and entertaining in someday? It may come - someday. Plan for it. Save for it (because when you do get it, it comes with bills.....) But in the mean time? Make the rental homey and wonderful - and go ahead and entertain in it, too. The kids you want someday? Plan for them. Be the best people you can be. Love on other people's kiddos. Your days to parent will come. And once they are here .... they don't stop, fyi. So, enjoy being a couple - just the two. Plans don't always work out. Sometimes they get derailed, sometimes the dream goal changes - but good things tend to come in time. So, enjoy the time, enjoy the now, and then you'll be best prepared to enjoy the future when you get there.

Remember God, without balance. He is the foundation of your individual life. He is the foundation of your marriage, of your family. Prioritize Him, and His people. Set up your wedding in a way that show you are His. Live your lives in a way that shows you are His. Build your relationship on Him and on a lifestyle befitting Him. Start NOW at the start of your marriage with God being the center of everything - the focus of your every decision. The priority. You wouldn't have each other without Him. That means being the best servant's of God's you can be individually and as a married team. It's worth it every time.

In all honesty, marriage is one of the most wonderful blessings. It takes commitment. It takes effort. It takes a whole lot of patience and grace. And it is worth putting in to - today, at the beginning, and every single day looking forward. May this new chapter in your life be a wonderful adventure filled with contentment and love.