Sometimes

Sometimes I bake brownies for potluck style get togethers. Sometimes I grab a bag of Chips-A-Hoy chocolate chunk cookies from the grocery store shelf on the way over.

Sometimes I remember to pack everything for the girls on vacation. Sometimes I forget to pack myself pajamas or church shoes.

Some days my house is clean and picked up enough we could easily host company without a moments notice. Some days it's become a cluttered disaster zone I've lost complete control of even though no one has even been home enough to make that happen ... or even though I've been home doing house keeping things the whole time. 

Sometimes I plan all the cool projects and fun things for my girls. Sometimes I am genuinely surprised when it's dinner time and I remember I am the one who is supposed to be in charge of feeding the kids.

Sometimes I feel like I know the answers and am willing to share. Sometimes I have no idea what I want to say or how to say it.

I suppose when I was a kid I looked up to people like my momma, my teachers, my friends parents, and my adult family members, and was pretty sure they literally knew everything. Or at least knew what they thought about everything. They knew what to do in every situation. They knew how to parent, how to calm a child, how to talk to everyone, and what decisions to be made. I apparently assumed there was a magical point in my life where I would just .... know. I would be a grown up adult person who knew things and what to do about them.

I thought maybe it was when I got married and had my first real job. But that just showed me more things I didn't actually know all the answers too.

I thought maybe it was home ownership. That seemed like real adulting. But that just showed me more things I knew nothing about.

Then, I thought, well, it must be motherhood that does it. You know, that makes you feel like a "real" grown up. But motherhood has left me doubting my own knowledge more often than not - are we doing this right? How should we _____? What if we _____? 

And so, here's what I've decided .... you know, at the ripe old age of 32 ... I'm never going to feel like an "all the way" grown up. I'm never going to know it all, have all the right answers, or know what to do about every situation.

There will always be something I need to research. Something I need to call for someone else's opinion or knowledge on. Some question that I simply have to answer with "Well, I have no idea."

Oh, there will be times when I have strong opinions and I know what I'm talking about. There will be times when I am able to appear like I have it all together - at least for the few minutes you see me - ha. There will be things I am confident on and proud moments when I know i'm doing something right.

But there will also be sometimes. Sometimes when I barely made it out of the house on time. Sometimes when my kids remind me I don't know that much after all. Sometimes when I just don't know.

And that's okay.

It's just part of it.

No one likes a know-it-all anyway.

I'm just going to be a life long learner. That's a positive trait, right?

So maybe you and I can lean on each other a bit. Maybe my "I don't knows" and your "I do know this ones!" will line up just right and we can be each others people. Because sometimes I've got this and other times I soooo do not got this -- but all the times our chances are a whole lot better when we have people to navigate the craziness with.

And even the "all the way grown up" adult people know it's true.