A Kind Voice

One of the most patience trying ... I mean, interesting ... Things this summer has been watching my girls begin figure out how to negotiate their own disagreements with each other. They are at different stages in how they play and don't always see eye to eye on how things should go when they play together. When they were younger it was necessary for me to jump in quickly any time there was a disagreement ... But as they are growing and have more words and coping strategies, I am attempting to back off a bit and let them work through some things.

Since I'm never far away, I find myself "coaching" them through these moments form the sidelines and the phrase I repeat the most often seems to be "Remember, she can hear your kind words better!"

See, my 3 year old often wants to play with her big sister ... But often does things, well, a 3 year old way ... Which can be very frustrating for her 6 year old sister. When Lydia tries to direct the play and teach Raina how to do whatever it is the are doing, her voice raises quickly out of frustration. AND when Raina had her own ideas to contribute to the play and feels like Lydia isn't listening to them, her voice raises quickly as well. 

Once the raised voices and frustrated yelling begin, no more playing gets done. Neither girl likes to feel like her sister is yelling at her, and neither girl can listen to the frustrated tone of her playmate. Let's be honest, no one wants to listen to the high pitched wails, so if we reach the point of shouting, it quickly becomes a disaster. 

However, if Lydia can remember to talk calmy to Raina and use her normal voice "Raina let's do it this way instead" and if Raina can remember to talk calmy and use her big kid voice "Lydia, I want to ____" then they are able to attend actually hear and listen to what the other is saying and the play is able to continue mostly uninterrupted. 

I know it's harder with the current age and stage gap and by default of navigating the sisterly relationship .... But really, don't we all struggle with the same thing? 

When we disagree with someone or don't like the way they're doing something, We get flustered and frustrated and can quickly begin to raise our voices. Then, when we feel like they're not listening to us, we get even more frustrated and the spiral of emotions affects our voices and our faces too. And then? Then whoever we are talking to can't even hear our words - no matter how good our argument is  - because they are too busy reacting to our tone and our frustration. The spiral takes is quickly down into a conversation disaster. 

But, what if we remember "They can hear your kind words better".

Oh, I might still have to disagree. I might even have to tell someone I don't like what they did or what they said ... But if I can keep my calm, if I can remain kind - loving even - then maybe the conversation won't turn to disaster. 

Maybe instead of yelling back at me, they will also remain calm and kind. Maybe they'll be able to hear what I'm saying and consider my words. Maybe our conversation - and our relationship - can continue on mostly uninterrupted. 

It doesn't mean I don't stand up for myself, or say what I know needs to be said ... It's all about the delivery. 

I want my words heard ... And I'm learning most people can hear my kind voice whisper way easier than they can hear my grumpy voice yell.