This Stage

Tonight I wanted to go to church. It's my goal every Wednesday night. It hasn't happened in weeks.

Sunday evening I wanted to sit through the entire sermon AND listen. Instead I caught pieces of it ... And called only going out once a win.

Monday I meant to do laundry and spend some time with my hubby. Instead we passed girls back and forth and then I collapsed into bed.

My kids are awesome. I love my job. I have a huge support in my husband and our extended family. But this stage, oh this stage is hard.

This stage is a teething 4 month old and an emotional 3 year old. This stage is calming irrational fears like "I don't want any bears to get me!" And "I don't want the racoons to eat my friends like they did my chickens!". This stage is carrying a baby in one arm and making messy handprints with paint with the other hand.

This stage is saying "whisper" and "use your quiet voice" and "sit still" 72 times a church service. It's unspoken prayers of "please let the baby sleep for a while". It's a bedtime routine that takes 2 hours only to end in sad shouts of "you left me in my bed alone mommy!" as little feet stomp accross the house to my room at 1:00 AM. It's getting up 6 or 7 times a night and then dragging myself out of bed at 5 to get everyone out the door while running on way less sleep than I'd like. It's collapsing into my own bed (after my hubby wakes me up to tell me to get out of the 3 year olds bed to go to my own) all to aware of the jobs around my house that are left undone.

This stage is mountains of laundry and piles of baby toy clutter. It's balancing "that's enough time on your tablet" with " give me 2 more minutes of peace". Its showering quickly while at least one girl waits for me. It's a dog who just wants someone to throw his ball  or let him outside. It's staying in in the evenings to keep our colds to ourselves and keep ourselves able to keep going.

This stage is balancing a job I love and a mommy-hood that means the world to me, and often feeling I should be better at both. It's grading papers at home when I should be playing. It's pumping at school when I should be working. It's seldom knowing the right answers. It's forgetting silly things and losing my phone frequently because there is so much rolling around in my brain. It's struggling to prioritize and remember everything for everyone. It's eating out to much because grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning up often seem like a whole lot of time and work. This stage is constantly being reminded I do not have everything (or even very much!) all figured out.

This stage is exhausting and messy and sometimes hard. But oh, this stage is beautiful too.

Beautiful because I get to watch my husband be a daddy and be awesome at it. Beautiful because my girls grin at their Nana and hug on their cousins. Beautiful because my big one loves my little one and wants to hold her and sing to her. Beautiful because I get to read stories and sing silly songs. Beautiful becauese I get to do sooo much playing and dancing.

It's beautiful to be reminded of the awe in *everything* through a child's eyes. Beautiful to hear "I missed you Mommy, I love you." Beautiful to see my girls learning about God and hear Lydia repeat her adorable take on Bible stories. Beautiful watching Lydia make friends and to see her love for others. Beautiful Raina's baby smiles and fun baby "firsts".

Beautiful because I get to be a part of these tiny humans. I get to help them grow and learn and find God. Beautiful because it drives me to pray more and praise God more. It reminds me to be silly and constantly practices my patience. Beautiful because I'm reminded of all the help I have and all the people that have put in to me and are now putting into my girls. It's small parenting "wins" when we catch ourselves doing ssomething right. It's family time and memory making. It's a joyful kind of tired and the kind of crazy that leaves us counting our blessings. It's beautiful.

And so tonight I'll send my hubby to church, and I'll stay home. I'll hold a clingy, teething baby and play with/practice coping skills with a congested, emotional, overtired 3 year old. I may start a load of laundry .... But I may not. And either way, it's okay.

I'll hug my babies. I'll draw inspiration from the mom's who have proved this stage can be lived splendidly ... I'll lean on the momma's who are doing this stage with me ... And I'll remember to love *almost* every single minute of this stage.

Because this stage may be exhaustion times 20 and occasionally feeling so "needed" that I can't breath ... But it's also love times a million and, as I'm constantly reminded when Lydia says "when I'm big I will _____ all by myself!", this stage is fleetingly short.

Enjoy Life

Stop and smell the coffee
Take a sip, relax
Dont dwell on the uncertain,
Focus only on the facts

Close your eyes a moment
Take a bit to breath
Clear your mind a little
Then listen close to me

This world is crazy darling
With busyness galore
With jobs and friends and family
Want-tos, needs, and more

Sometimes we start to spiral
As the world spins all around
And the many pressures that we feel
Weigh our shoulders down.

We rush through days unseeing
Keeping our blinders on
And in attempt to block distractions
We find it's the good that's gone.

As we climb the ladders
Work to please everyone else
We forget to look around us
And take a minute for ourselves.

We hustle and we bustle
And we scarcely stop to breath
Or to help a neighbor
Or blow off a little steam

Sometimes we go until we find
We're over cooked, burnt out
Or worse, we explode because we're broken,
Left with only tears or shouts

So instead of pushing through this
What if you stop and take some time
To rest and wish and think and breath
Oh dear friend of mine?

Look around at beauty-
It surrounds you every day
Let it calm you and remind you
That there are better ways.

For rushing here and all around
Only gets us just so far
Sometimes a slow, more peaceful pace
Can get us to the stars.

If you'll pause to dream and wonder
And wander a bit more, too...
If you'll slow the pace your life has
And to yourself be a bit more true

Your heart will be more happy
You'll dance and laugh and sing
And oh, to those around you,
So much more joy you'll chance to bring.

So stop and smell the coffee,
Or the roses, or the like ...
And dare to breath a little
Remember to enjoy life.

Spilt Coffee

I was holding a cup of coffee in the hallway at school the other day as I greeted my kiddos. A sweet girl walked up behind me and bumped my arm and my cup jostled, spilling coffee onto the floor. She looked upset and started to apologize, when I assured her that it was not a big deal - we could easily clean up the mess with a few paper towels.


Perhaps just to remind me of God's timing and control, this event reminded me of an analogy I had seen only an hour or two earlier in the morning .... Why did coffee spill when the girl bumped my arm? Because she bumped me, you say? You're only partly right. 
When I was bumped, coffee spilled because I had coffee in my cup. Had I been drinking water instead, water would have been what spilled on the floor. 

Just like a cup spills if bumped, in the moments when we get jostled (both literally and figuratively) things come spilling out of us as well. It's easy enough for us to appear one way to the world when things are going easily ... but when life bumps and jostles you (and I assure you, it will), whatever is inside you is sure to be the same thing that spills out. Will it be anger ... hate ... frustration? Or goodness ... kindness .... love?

Only if we are *truly* filled with Godly things will godliness be what spills out of us.

2 Peter 1:5-11 tells us "But also for this very reason, giving all diligence, add to your faith virtue, to virtue knowledge, to knowledge self-control, to self-control perseverance, to perseverance godliness, to godliness brotherly kindness, and to brotherly kindness love. For if these things are yours and abound, you will be neither barren nor unfruitful in the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. For he who lacks these things is shortsighted, even to blindness, and has forgotten that he was cleansed from his old sins. Therefore, brethren, be even more diligent to make your call and election sure, for if you do these things you will never stumble; for so an entrance will be supplied to you abundantly into the everlasting kingdom of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ." and Philipians 4:8 reminds us "Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things."

As we go through our lives - both the easy moments and the challenging - let us study and pray and dwell on Godly things so that even when life's tumultuous moments shake us, all the right things can come spilling out.

Grandpa's Poem

I firmly believe that if there were more people like my Grandpa in this world, the world would be a better place. It is not fun to watch him grow older and more feeble as his Parkinson's progresses .... but it is amazing and inspiring to think about all he has done in his life.

I wrote this for him for Christmas. Or, more accurately, I wrote it for me. =)

Grandpa

It doesn't take a genius
To look at you and see
That you must have quite a story
Your life has been telling.

It only takes one willing
To sit with you awhile
Listen to a story or two
And hear what's made you smile.

If he or she would take your hand
And examine close each wrinkle
Then look past the age your body shows
And watch your eyes -- they twinkle.

That person may soon start to see
Just how much you've given
The heart and joy and help you've shared
And those to success you've driven.

If one was lucky they could learn
How simple things you've done
Like keeping horses in the field
Have taught lessons and proved fun.

And if that one kept digging
They'd find out you've inspired
Through you're quiet, carefully chosen words

Many whom life made tired.

The way you've prayed and studied
To lead both church and family
A calm and steady pillar
Meeting the needs of a great many...

The times you've helped out others
Treated strangers as your kin,
Calmed, taught and played with youngsters
Helped and worked with grown men.

Then they'd begin to see the legacy
That you've created here for us
Of God and love and family
Of strength, grace, faith, and trust.

That person would be amazed to know
How with hard work and great love
Your life has been a sermon lived
For the good Lord up above.

You've pointed many towards Him
Helped and encouraged along the way
And raised a family to continue on
And with the Lord to stay.

No, It doesn't take a genius
To look at you and see ...
It simply takes one blessed enough
To be a grandchild like me.

Looking Back

Today I was looking at my phone and noticed my Blogger app ... I opened it up and realized I haven't blogged for over a year. Woops.

Since it's almost New Years, I looked back at this blog post I had written a couple of years ago when Lydia was little bitty ... and I realized, not much has changed.

Being Mommy is still my favorite. Even when "Mommy! Mommy! Mommy!" is yelled over and over again while I'm washing dishes or when I refold the same shirt 6 times because my 2 year old is helping fold the laundry...

Now the joys are multiplied by 2 and I get to watch my "big one" love on and cuddle my "little one" ... and I'm loving the baby snuggles AND the fact that Raina is a much better sleeper than Lydia ever was.

There are still things I am way  more awesome at than I was before I was a Momma ... mentally playing out each possible scenario in an effort to out think and out plan my 2 year old being one of my new super powers. And there are still things I'm working on - like remembering to take time for my own personal Bible study when I am awake enough to get something out of it.

There are wonderful moments like when Lydia declares "Mommy, God made Raina special just for us!" and moments that leave me searching for the right words like when Lydia asked "Mommy, did God make my bathtub, too? And did He build my house?" Moments that make me giggle and moments that leave me exasperated and exhausted.

And in all of these moments - both the blog worthy and the not so blog worthy - I am reminded of how blessed I am to be here, being Mom.

What Holds Us Back

I've had the amazing opportunity to watch several people make the decision to be baptized ... and what a wonderful and joyous occasion it is! It often makes me wonder what keeps other people from making the same decision? What holds us back from baptism? It is not a decision to be made lightly  -- but it is a decision that needs to be made. So, what keeps people from jumping in?

I'm sure people who have waited to be baptized could give lots of reasons for their wait. I'm sure those who are still waiting have lots of reasons, too. Whatever the reasons, I think the things that hold us back could be narrowed down to these three categories:

1) A lack of understanding.
2) A lack of urgency.
3) A lack of spiritual focus.

A lack of understanding:
This one starts out with the obvious: a small child does not understand why their parents want them to sit still and quiet through church services, let alone understand anything about baptism. As children learn and grow however, this begins to change. The point at which one is "old enough", "mature enough", and 'understands enough" is different for each individual. However when a person understands that Gods son, Christ, came to earth, lived a perfect life, and died for our sins, and that they need to turn away from sin and follow Gods will - beginning with baptism and continuing on the rest of their life - in order to be saved and have a home in Heaven, they are ready.

You don't have to know everything about the Bible. You don't have to feel ready to answer any biblical question anyone throws at you. You simply have to understand that Gods son, Christ, died for you, and that you need to be baptized and live for him (Acts 2:38, 1 Peter 3:21, 1 John 3:16).

If you understand you've sinned, Christ died for your sins, and you need God ... That's all.

You then have the rest of your life to work on understanding more and doing better (because no matter how old you get there is always the opportunity for more and better! Proverbs 19:27, Proverbs 1:5).

If you understand what you need to do .... Then do it.

A lack of urgency:
Somewhere, somehow, we developed the idea that we have all the time in the world. We live as if Christ won't come til we're dead, and we won't die til we're old .... But those things are simply not guaranteed. I could die tomorrow. You could die tonight. Christ could return at dawn. We don't know (ECC. 12:6).

And because we don't know how much time we have, any moment you let go by *not* being saved, you are taking a risk. A HUGE, unnecessary, risk.

You could die in your sin. Christ could come back and find you in sin. You could live an eternity in hell.

That one lie you told even though you knew better? That could keep you out of heaven. The one time you stole even the smallest thing? Hell worthy sin.

The smallest thing, the biggest thing - if it is a sin - it is keeping you from God. And if you haven't been saved, you have no way to rectify that situation. You have no way to God. No way to Heaven.

Isaiah 59:2 reads "your iniquities have separated you from your God, your sins have hidden His face from you so that He will not hear you..."

If the thought of dying in your sin and going to Hell doesn't fill you with urgency ... Perhaps you need to take a hard look at point 3.

A lack of Spiritual focus:
Perhaps one of the biggest things holding us back is that our focus is in the wrong place. Raised in the Church or not, we often fall into the same trap: we focus on school, on family, on choir, band, basketball, football, volleyball, keeping grades up, going to college, friendships, taking care of family, having jobs, finding a spouse, being a spouse, raising children, being there for others, following our dreams, ..... Etc.....

And we forget the most important thing.

We forget that we are spiritual beings. That our earthly selves (no matter what we do in a carnal sense) will eventually die. End of story. And our highschool experiences, our careers, our world dreams won't really matter anymore.

But our spiritual selves will live on. And how we chose to spend our worldly existence will determine where we spend our eternity.

So while we enjoy our lives and chase our dreams, we need to do so with our focus on spiritual things (Matthew 6:20).

Furthermore....
A lack of understanding, a lack of urgency, and a lack of Spiritual focus don't only hold us back from being baptized. It is these same three things that often hold us back from living up to our potential as Christians.

Baptism is simply the first step. Because if you never start your walk with God, you'll never be ready to run the race in such a way to win the crown (1 Corinthians 9:24).

Spending Time

This summer I read a book called "The Lost Track of Time" and I LOVED it. Based on a girl who resents her mother's need to schedule every moment, most of the book takes place in an alternate universe where the girl must search for the great Moodler and fight against the clock works.

The book fit right in with my determination to "go with the flow" this summer .... and by "the flow", I mean my 1 year old.

We played. We "fed our fancies" so they could grow and sometimes got carried away on them. We got dirty splashing in the creek and played til the bath water was cold. We borrowed time. We lost track of it. We scheduled time for ourselves.

Amidst a world where we frantically try to save time in the effort to gain an extra minute, Lydia and I spent time instead. And we loved every minute of it.

Now summer has come to an end. My meetings start tomorrow so I was going to get up early and get to my classroom to work. But at 5 something o'clock when Lydia started crying .... I turned off my alarm and we snuggled back to sleep in the recliner.

Clearly not the option that saves time .... arguably not the *best* use of time .... but, oh, for more mornings like this!

Because after all - "Time is not important dear, YOU are."