This Stage

Tonight I wanted to go to church. It's my goal every Wednesday night. It hasn't happened in weeks.

Sunday evening I wanted to sit through the entire sermon AND listen. Instead I caught pieces of it ... And called only going out once a win.

Monday I meant to do laundry and spend some time with my hubby. Instead we passed girls back and forth and then I collapsed into bed.

My kids are awesome. I love my job. I have a huge support in my husband and our extended family. But this stage, oh this stage is hard.

This stage is a teething 4 month old and an emotional 3 year old. This stage is calming irrational fears like "I don't want any bears to get me!" And "I don't want the racoons to eat my friends like they did my chickens!". This stage is carrying a baby in one arm and making messy handprints with paint with the other hand.

This stage is saying "whisper" and "use your quiet voice" and "sit still" 72 times a church service. It's unspoken prayers of "please let the baby sleep for a while". It's a bedtime routine that takes 2 hours only to end in sad shouts of "you left me in my bed alone mommy!" as little feet stomp accross the house to my room at 1:00 AM. It's getting up 6 or 7 times a night and then dragging myself out of bed at 5 to get everyone out the door while running on way less sleep than I'd like. It's collapsing into my own bed (after my hubby wakes me up to tell me to get out of the 3 year olds bed to go to my own) all to aware of the jobs around my house that are left undone.

This stage is mountains of laundry and piles of baby toy clutter. It's balancing "that's enough time on your tablet" with " give me 2 more minutes of peace". Its showering quickly while at least one girl waits for me. It's a dog who just wants someone to throw his ball  or let him outside. It's staying in in the evenings to keep our colds to ourselves and keep ourselves able to keep going.

This stage is balancing a job I love and a mommy-hood that means the world to me, and often feeling I should be better at both. It's grading papers at home when I should be playing. It's pumping at school when I should be working. It's seldom knowing the right answers. It's forgetting silly things and losing my phone frequently because there is so much rolling around in my brain. It's struggling to prioritize and remember everything for everyone. It's eating out to much because grocery shopping and cooking and cleaning up often seem like a whole lot of time and work. This stage is constantly being reminded I do not have everything (or even very much!) all figured out.

This stage is exhausting and messy and sometimes hard. But oh, this stage is beautiful too.

Beautiful because I get to watch my husband be a daddy and be awesome at it. Beautiful because my girls grin at their Nana and hug on their cousins. Beautiful because my big one loves my little one and wants to hold her and sing to her. Beautiful because I get to read stories and sing silly songs. Beautiful becauese I get to do sooo much playing and dancing.

It's beautiful to be reminded of the awe in *everything* through a child's eyes. Beautiful to hear "I missed you Mommy, I love you." Beautiful to see my girls learning about God and hear Lydia repeat her adorable take on Bible stories. Beautiful watching Lydia make friends and to see her love for others. Beautiful Raina's baby smiles and fun baby "firsts".

Beautiful because I get to be a part of these tiny humans. I get to help them grow and learn and find God. Beautiful because it drives me to pray more and praise God more. It reminds me to be silly and constantly practices my patience. Beautiful because I'm reminded of all the help I have and all the people that have put in to me and are now putting into my girls. It's small parenting "wins" when we catch ourselves doing ssomething right. It's family time and memory making. It's a joyful kind of tired and the kind of crazy that leaves us counting our blessings. It's beautiful.

And so tonight I'll send my hubby to church, and I'll stay home. I'll hold a clingy, teething baby and play with/practice coping skills with a congested, emotional, overtired 3 year old. I may start a load of laundry .... But I may not. And either way, it's okay.

I'll hug my babies. I'll draw inspiration from the mom's who have proved this stage can be lived splendidly ... I'll lean on the momma's who are doing this stage with me ... And I'll remember to love *almost* every single minute of this stage.

Because this stage may be exhaustion times 20 and occasionally feeling so "needed" that I can't breath ... But it's also love times a million and, as I'm constantly reminded when Lydia says "when I'm big I will _____ all by myself!", this stage is fleetingly short.